I loved seeing the title of that now famous book a few months ago. Finally, someone was clearly not over-nurturing or over-enabling a child. In print, no less. In the ensuing months, there has been mixed reaction to the book. Some, who will just never get it, were disturbed and offended. How could you ever speak to a child in such a crude, angry, blah, blah, blah. Those are the families whose children will power the next boom in counseling and family therapy in coming years. But on the other side there has been a kind of catharsis on the level of Mel Gibson screaming, "Freedom!" through spit and blood. Yes, let's take a stand here. We need sleep. We need sex. We need "me" time. We need a life! But where Mel was up against of hordes of soldiers, we are up against our own creation, literally and figuratively. We made the little monsters. We procreated. We taught them to be who they are. If we had just said, “Go to sleep, you need sleep and I need sanity,” from the beginning, we wouldn’t be at DEFCON 1 launching F-bombs at our children in a cathartic rage. And the #1 book on Amazon would just be a novelty book for people who enjoy inappropriate and over-the-top humor.
I love where the movement is going, I really do. As an educator and parent, I've watched with horror as parents purposefully avoided ever saying, "no" to their children or protected them from any negative reinforcement. Instead of saying, "Don't hit your friend with a shovel, that's fucked up. We don't do that to our friends," parents taught themselves to say, "Use your words," or "Would you like to choose something else to do? Maybe an art project?" The parents always made it a matter of two things, neither of which was ever the child’s fault: An issue with vocabulary or an issue of choice. The thinking is based on the assumption that children are inherently good and noble creatures who only need a gentle hand to guide them to cherubic heights of art, music, good behavior, eating habits, sleeping habits, whatever they might need. For these families, a miscommunication or a misdirected energy is a simple problem that does not require the crushing blows of a, “no” or worse a “what the hell were you thinking?”
Most people without children have observed this kind of parenting and wondered if it actually worked. In my own observation, I wondered if such parents were sending the wrong message to their children when they stressed a verbal clarification to a violent action. Years ago at a playdate with our one year-olds, one friend’s kid hit my oldest son over the head with a large toy truck in an attempt to take the toy he was playing with from him. It was a flawlessly executed assault with my son screaming and his assailant happily holding the toy next to him. I wanted the offending child struck summarily with a blunt object and then made to apologize, but the mother simply went to her child and said, “Can you use your words?”
I wondered just what those words might have been, given the rather violent actions displayed. “Hey friend, I want that toy you’re playing with, so fuck off and die by my hand so that I might have it, forthwith.” You can substitute gangsta rap lyrics if it better suits the affect of the conversation as you imagine it, but either way, are those the impulses and thoughts we want to encourage our children to express, either physically (as happened) or verbally (as the parent wanted)? Some days I think yes, that’s exactly what parents want for their children. Whatever the child wants is what the parents want for him or her. And so long as we use our words, we can have it.
As a college professor, I see the adult version of all this parenting. “Hey, professor, I see I have a C- in the class, but I was really hoping for an A.” There. The student has clearly used his or her words. No tantrums or physical violence. So my response should clearly be, “Why yes, dear student. Of course you shall have an A in the class despite the C- level work because you have used your words. Thank you for blessing me with them. We are both better off for them. Your parents taught you well.”
So back to the book. I am not against cursing at your children. I am not against positivity. I am not against stressing the importance of communication. What we have seen in recent years is this need for parents to raise their children in a vacuum, far away from a sense of community. Parents meet the needs of their children based on their own needs, perceived or actual. In an article in this month’s Atlantic Monthly, “How to Land Your Kid in Therapy,” therapist and mother Lori Gottlieb writes about her observations of today’s young adults now taking their first steps into adulthood after growing up in the heavily supported and entitled families of recent years. Of course she is not advocating bad families, but, as she sees it, there can be too much of a good thing, particularly when the motivation to over-indulge children is mostly about the unmet needs of the parents. Right up to when “Go the F--- to Sleep” hit the parental world upside its numbed and disillusioned head, parents were blindly giving and giving, encouraging, hovering, and teaching their children that they were entitled to anything a parent could give. All this to make unhappy adults. I’m speaking in vast generalities, yes. But tell me you don’t know at least a few families who fit this category. At the kid parties we manage to drag ourselves to, we often hear parents brag about their children. It’s not what you might imagine. Instead of soccer heroics or science projects, we often hear parents brag about how temperamental their children are.
“I mean, when she gets angry, watch out!” exclaimed one dad recently. He was laughing when he said, “It’s terrifying when she lashes out at us, especially when we make something for dinner that she doesn’t like.” He was joking, but it was a kind of bragging that made me feel sick. Remember that scene in Joy Luck Club where the mothers are faux-complaining about how much their daughters succeed at their various activities? One mother complains how hard it is to have a daughter so brilliant at piano. Practice, practice, practice. Another complains about how stressful it is with a chess prodigy on her hands. These moms have been one-upped by today’s parents who do not complain, but rather brag about how neurotic they are, how scared they are of things they don’t need to be scared of, and how fulfilled are the lives of their children. The hard work part has been replaced by inherent traits and a universe that owes the little shits, well, the universe. And we, as a society, are to blame.
I can’t help but think of one of my favorite English professors, the poet and writer, Quincy Troupe. He would tell us sentimental stories of how his mother would beat the living shit out of him and his brother when they were growing up. There was no stroking of his ego, no over-indulgences, except for maybe the whips of an ironing cord, and no great concern for his emotional development. Just brutal justice. He would tear up when he told the stories, not because of how traumatic they were, well maybe partly so, but because his mom cared enough to keep him on the straight and narrow. He was grateful for the beatings and whippings. He loved his mother more than anything and took great care of her when he found financial success. Should we treat our kids the same? Absolutely not. Such behavior would inevitably find its way onto youtube or facebook and then Child Protective Services would get involved. But somewhere between the beatings and the over-indulgences, there must be a comfortable middle. A place where children can be encouraged and occasionally indulged, but also made aware of how their actions affect those around them and reflect on their identity, and where children can be allowed to struggle for their own success. Seems like a reasonable middle ground, but lets hope the “Go the Fuck to Sleep” book does not cause a swing back towards the other extreme.
So, have your chuckle. Be empowered. Grow a pair and take a stand, parents. Take note of your parents and grandparents who might be confused at how you raise your children, they likely being from the “children should be seen and not heard” school of parenting. This philosophy ironically begat today’s overcompensated phenomona. But realize that the enemy is not just your monster children. The enemy is and has always been…you. And when you tell your children to go the fuck to sleep, don’t be surprised if they reply, “No, you go the fuck to sleep!”
